The Last Day

The following would account for one of the saddest, most unbearable moments of my entire life. For this blog, I will recall everything that happened. Not because I find it nice, but because this marks as one of the biggest changes I would have had to face so far.


March 07, 2012 12:00PM

I spent the day with Elbert. My last day with him before he leaves for New Zealand. We attended the PDOS Seminar together. Met up at Robinsons Mall at around noon for some grub with his Mum (we ate at RaiRaiKen's...the only Japanese place there) and talked. I was a bit nervous being with his Mum but thank God she was very nice (of course, I've met her before but we haven't really talked like REALLY talk). =)


The minute I saw him walk towards me, everything else faded. I couldn't see anybody else but him. Only him. I saw his Mum only after I held his hand. After I realized that he is still there, that I still had a few hours left to spend with him before he leaves. I felt a lump form in my throat but I controlled myself. I will not cry. Not in front of him. Not when he's suffering probably even more than I am. I'll be strong, if not for me, then for him at least.


March 07, 2012 1:00PM

Right after lunch, we headed for the agency's place for the predeparture orientation seminar (PDOS). We were there a bit early so we had to wait for the others to arrive. It was a long wait. At least I felt it was. His mum continued to keep us company while I got lost in my own thoughts. I didn't know how to respond. My thought processes have stalled. I could only stare blankly at the situation I had in my hand.

I held his hand the entire time. Afraid to let go. Afraid that if I did, he'd disappear like a bubble in air. And I'd realize that the time I had left was shorter than I had imagined. Every second that ticked became another lump forming. Every minute was another tear welling up. But I fought it all. I held them all back. I couldn't let him see me miserable. It will be harder for him, the one leaving for someplace, than it is for me.


March 07, 2012 2:30PM

Finally, hours later, his PDOS co-attendees arrived and the seminar started (hosted by the agency's general manager). Some of the other attendees' family  members were there with me and his mum, and I assumed that they all felt the same way I did. I tried to keep my head straight and listen intently on the lecture and orientation given to us, to give us an idea of what our beloveds would be experiencing (probables and expected) and it helped that his Mum and his roommate, Christian's Mum was there with me, beside me in fact. It was great comfort knowing I had someone to share and ease a little bit of the pain I felt.

All the while, I kept observing him. Looking at how he would move, how he would take in the orientation, how he would respond, how he would behave. I tried to take in all these little details and all his little quirks so I would remember everything about this day. About how he looked, what he wore, how he smelled, what he asked, what he said. Just everything. I felt a sense of anxiety. We've been together for years and his company has become a habit that this sudden change has caused an unavoidable rift in my life. I now felt a void start to form. A void that will probably never be filled until I see him again.


March 07, 2012 5:30PM

A few hours later, the PDOS was over and we headed for his house. The original plan (according to him) was that they would fetch me at my house so I could go send him off at the airport but since his flight was at dawn (4am), it'd be too much of a hassle so his Mum suggested I sleep over at their house instead.

The car ride was long and exhausting and though I sat in the backseat while he was in front, we positioned in a way that I could hold on to him and him to me. From time to time, I would squeeze his hand and he would squeeze back as if to reassure that he was there. The lump in my throat never went away.


March 07, 2012 8:30PM

We had to make detours and a few stops at Leona's (for some yummy bread he'll be taking with him in the long flight) and at Goldilocks (for some yummy dessert his Mum ordered for the night - Window Cathedral). But after a few hours of driving, we finally arrived at their place. Greeted by their 5 dogs, we entered the warm house and they immediately made me feel at home. I helped him pack some of his luggage and organize some of his files and kept him company in his last night here. But the night got darker and later and since we had to wake up at quarter to 2am or earlier, it was either we sleep already or we don't at all. He and his mum made me sleep and rest a while as he finished packing. It was 11pm.

The lump grew bigger and bigger as time ticked on. It took all of me to push it back and keep the tears from overflowing. Watching the huge luggage made me aware of the gravity of this night. That tomorrow, he won't be here. That he'll be a continent away. And that his physical presence would be gone. At least for a while.


I didn't know what to say to make things better for us. I didn't know what to do. This was something we had to do for our future. This was something that had to be done. And this was something we planned long before. But the planning was a whole different story. Because now that it has become real and concrete and inevitable, I felt helpless. I felt lonely. I felt anxious.


March 08, 2012 1:30AM

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I was confused coz at first I didn't know where I was or what I was doing setting my alarm so early in my day off. But then seconds later, I realized it. And the lump came back. The tears came back. The anxiety came back. I went upstairs to wake him up only to find him already awake. He hadn't slept. We ate bread and drank warm milk while he did his last minute checking before we left the house.

I cursed myself for sleeping (even if it was for 2 hours only) on his last night here. I could've spent these last moments with him. Talking and just being with each other. I could've lost those few hours of sleep and just talked about whatever. But then again, the deed is done. And all I can do now is help him prepare for his flight. This time, my heart was about to burst. I tried to keep myself in control so I thought about stupid, non-related things. Cartoons, weird animes, anything that would keep me sane. At least for the moment.


March 08, 2012 2:30AM

It was a short car ride to the airport. The road was free of traffic and it was still dark out. His mum drove slowly. His dad rode shotgun while him, me, his sister rode at the back seat (him sitting between us). I was in his left, his sister in his right. He held my hand the entire time. I stared outside the window as we passed familiar streets and buildings, afraid to look at him and fail in controlling the tears that were brewing.

The car ride was almost unbearable. Every inch we moved closer to the airport was another nail nailed into my already torn heart. If time would only stand still this very moment. If only.


March 08, 2012 3:00AM

The car came to a soft halt in front of the departure gate. His mum decided that we would just drop him off since she thought he would probably feel worse about leaving if we stayed with him through boarding. He kissed me goodbye in the back seat and jumped out of the car to get his luggage. I sat stunned in silence. And as soon as my senses came back, I hurried out of the car and hugged him as tight as I could. It would be months before I'd see him again. The longest we've been apart. Then I saw him walk off into the airport building as we hopped back on the car and drove back to his place to rest our weary eyes.

I could only sit and stare. I felt all energy leave me. I heard his sister sniff and see her wipe away silent tears beside me. His mum could only talk about him the entire ride and his dad sat silently. My own tears were dangerously close to overflowing. I did my best controlling them with what little energy I had left. I felt empty. And that void that had begun forming the day before became inescapably huge and tormenting. It was final now. He was leaving and although I am sure that I'd see him again, these next few months will be long and exhausting and unbearable.


March 08, 2012 3:15AM

That was the last image I had of him. His back carrying the NorthFace bag I gave him for our 4 year anniversary and his huge stroller luggage. And then the car turned and he was gone.

I didn't know what to do. What to say. What to feel. I sat transfixed in the car, afraid to think, afraid to cry, afraid to feel. He was gone.


March 08, 2012 3:30AM

We arrived at his house and we silently went to the rooms to rest. The house felt quiet and empty and in need of his presence. It felt wrong without him there. I walked to the room, lay on the bed, and the moment I realized I was alone, the tears rained. My heart burst and I could only wail in pain. He was gone. I tried sleeping it off but I couldn't. I tossed and turned but I just can't stop crying. I had to ease the pain. So I went upstairs, stared at his computer, stared at his space, stared at his books, stared at his room, stared at his whiteboard, stared at the things he used to touch and live in and tried to find any presence of his that remained. And then I read the things I wrote on the board. Every single date I've been in there house was written there. And I cried some more. I sat on the corner and cried til I couldn't. Until the last drops of tears were shed. I exhausted myself and went back to the room and cried to sleep.


The night was empty. And I slept consoling myself. I could only pray that he'd be safe. That he'd be fine. And that time would tick sooner so I'd see him again.

I love you.

I miss you.

I will see you soon.

xoxo

~hny~