Life and Death

Let's face it. We see death all around us and we are either too scared we ignore it or too wound up we overemphasize it. Either way, it's not really living.

I'm not saying that I've lived a full life, because frankly, I'm not sure if I've lived it to the fullest, but looking back, I can say that, yes, I do have regrets (I mean, who doesn't right?), but generally, I'm quite happy with how my life has turned out and with how my past and present has shaped itself to be. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for the future to be the best that it can be. =D

Moving on, what I'm getting to in this blog is that, in my line of work, we see death more often than the average person that it becomes almost a "monotony" to a point. And it's the worst feeling one could ever have. Because who want's to feel numb with death facing you in the face? Nobody wants that. I'm pretty sure my patients and their families don't.

I'm getting out of topic again, so let's get back to my point. As a nurse, you see death but can you really relate to it? Can one really feel what the other is feeling? Can that nurse seriously say that they are "sorry for the loss"? We all have different answers to these questions, some stronger than others, and I respect that. So let me present mine.

One can never really relate to the death of another unless they have experienced something like that before. So no, I don't really know what death is like and I can't relate to what the dead is experiencing (that would be the craziest thing, would it happen, yeah?). But I do relate to the family. I've lost a loved one before. My grandparents. And it was the single most painful memory I've ever had, more than my boyfriend going out of the country, more than being scolded by my parents, more than all the physical pains I've ever had combined. Losing someone makes you feel like you've lost a part of you. Like you've been ripped apart and somehow wasn't put back together the same way. It's a hollow, devastating feeling and I'd never wish it on anyone. Not even on my worst enemies (which I am glad to say I don't have. I think). So yes, I can honestly say to the family that I am sorry for their loss but more than that, I can say to them that things will get better some day. That somehow, they will find a way to live life and move on. Yes, it will be hard. But life is always hard. That's part of the package.

So now, why am I talking about something so gory? Well, one of my patients is deteriorating and he literally is just counting the days. I'm feeling scared and sad for him, so I can only imagine how much anxiety he must be in. Even worse than death, waiting for it to come tortures the life out of you slowly and painfully. And my heart aches for him.

xoxo

-hny-