The Bridge We Must Cross

It hasn't been my half-a-year. I've been depressed a number of times. More than I've ever been before. The unknown future, the uncertainty of it all, and just everything that's been going on has been a struggle. It's a struggle I've been fighting with barely a sight of hope at the end.

Of course, that's all primarily because I have this pessimistic side I just can't seem to let go of. I try to be as optimistic as I can but there's always that nagging feeling of "what if's" hanging behind my head. I'm not sure why. Partly coz that's how I'm wired. Maybe.

On the 3rd Month

May 11, 2012

Dear You,

Roses and Dreams

There was a party. People dressed in all kinds of gowns, colors of different shades, sparkles everywhere. It was a mixture of my past and present friends, acquaintances and people I don't even recognize. Some of the faces I can see and recall, others I can only hope to make out of into a silhouette.

I was there, attending. And beside me, my boyfriend looking dashing in his suit.

Then an announcement, and all the world seems abuzz. I couldn't catch the announcement, I was too distracted to observe everyone, catch who were there and who weren't.

Happy Ever After

All hopeless romantics out there must know where I come from when I say all weddings must lead to a "happily ever after". Yes, to some, it's a silly thought. School-girl-ish even. But I believe that. With all my heart.

I hear people around me say that present-day marriages are hard to work out. Harder even than those in the past because of the conditions newlyweds are thrown into once married. The harsh reality of life. The watchful eyes of the public. The close scrutiny of the family members. The pressure to succeed and lead a happy life. And just about every single person you know waiting for you to make a mistake, fight over something most married couples usually do, and then say "I told you so".

the hardest part

It's been a week since he left...and I don't think I ever got over it. Or if I'll ever get over it.
It's hard, missing someone. Yes, it makes it better knowing that I'll see him again, but...

...the waiting kills me.

The waiting will always be the hardest part.

I miss you.

xoxo

~hny~

Gems in the Desert

When all seems amiss, it's nice to know that friends are there to help get you through the day (or week, or month, or year).

Real friends are not the ones who stick by you when you're at your best. No, they're just leeches. Real friends are those who stay by your side even when you're at your worst. They say the things you least wanted to hear, they say the meanest things in the most honest way, they slap your face with the reality of it all just to help you get over whatever it is that's bothering you. And when you feel that it's too much, that you just can't handle any more, they stay silent, lend their shoulders, and allow you to cry.

It's Still There

Just when I thought the pain had come close to a soft halt, the wounds in my heart opened up again and I found myself back inside that dark, windowless room with nothing but myself for company.

The tears have come back. The pain has come back.
No, that's not right. It never really left.

It just hid itself in the fine corners of my subconscious, ready to spring itself on me at the very first moment of vulnerability. It's stealth is incomparable. It's strength, out of this world. It's power, suffocating. It pulls at the very fiber of my being, waiting for it to snap at the immense pressure.

Dissociation

When the pain is too much, when your world is getting too weary, when everything else seems amiss, lose yourself in the dark confines of your mind. Worry not, for this shall all pass.

The Last Day

The following would account for one of the saddest, most unbearable moments of my entire life. For this blog, I will recall everything that happened. Not because I find it nice, but because this marks as one of the biggest changes I would have had to face so far.


March 07, 2012 12:00PM

I spent the day with Elbert. My last day with him before he leaves for New Zealand. We attended the PDOS Seminar together. Met up at Robinsons Mall at around noon for some grub with his Mum (we ate at RaiRaiKen's...the only Japanese place there) and talked. I was a bit nervous being with his Mum but thank God she was very nice (of course, I've met her before but we haven't really talked like REALLY talk). =)

03062012 7.52PM

Dear Self,

You've been through so much haven't you? I know. It's hard. But life is always hard. That's part of the deal. However, try to keep positive. If there's ever anything I can tell you, it's that things will always get better. Life is a cycle. These days might be really hard, but someday, it will end. And you'll find yourself laughing again. And then, you'll realize how precious this life really is. How beautiful and wonderful it is to keep living.

The final day (365 day project)

 DAY 365 02282012

taken: feb28, 2012 ~at various times~

Letter to Myself

Life is cruel. Unfair. Unjust. And boring.

Life is exciting. Upbeat. Unpredictable. And fun.

Whichever those descriptions of life you're leaning on, one fact remains. Life is life. And life is better when shared with another. Going through the cruel things with others can help lessen the burden and ease the load. It can help put a sense on all of these trials. And much more so when going through the fun ones.

The Grinning Fool (A Repost from I Wrote This For You)

Each night, somewhere out there, people go to bed petrified that I might be as happy as I am.

And I wake up each day and make their worst fears come true.

Immortal Beloved

In the spirit of Valentine's Month, here's Ludwig Van Beethoven's love letter to his anonymous "Immortal Beloved". (source here)

The entire letter is written on 10 small pages, in Beethoven's rather inconsistent handwriting. The first section occupies four pages. In the following, the dashes and underlined words are as in Beethoven's manuscript, crossed-out parts are enclosed in “<...>”.

My Valentine

February 14 is a day known to all. Of course, I am not one to break tradition. =)
Here's what happened to mine. =)


Went on duty early on the day. Woke up at the crack of dawn to prepare for my first day back from vacation. Work wasn't so bad. The usual sounds of stressed-out nurses, tired doctors, and aching patients filled my ears. And though I've been at this job for quite a while, having just gone on a relatively long vacation, I actually needed time to reorganize myself and adjust to the hospital environment. =p My head kept spinning the entire time and the only thought in my head was "Work's gonna end soon..." over and over and over like a broken record.

The Guy: How To's

When your girlfriend stares at your mouth ,,kiss her gently..

when she pushes you or hit you cause she thinks she is stronger than you ,, Grab her in your arms and dont let her go.

when she start cursing you acting she is tuff,,,just grab her and kiss her and say her I Love You..

when she is quiet ,, ask her if everything alright.

when she ignores you ,,give her all your attention..

Happy Birthday Boyfriend 02-12-2012

Words are not enough to express how thankful I am to this one special person who helped make me a better person. And since this is his special day, I would like to take this opportunity to at least try to convey my gratefulness.

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Valentine's Day Blues

V-day is coming up. And to top that off, it's our 52nd monthsary today. And as if that wasn't enough already, it's his birthday tomorrow. =p *sigh*

I pride myself at gift-giving coz I somehow always know what to give to people instinctively (especially when that "people" is "me" haha) but come this time of the month, I always arrive at the exact same spot every year. Nowhere. I am nowhere near buying the perfect gift for him as I am at reaching whatever dreams I have.

He's not the most materialistic kind of guy so I don't think he'd be happy with just the random stuff other girlfriends give their boys. He's mature and funny and techie and deep and he wants company more than anything else...something I can give, given I quit work, probably. =p

The Love Month

It's February and yes, I'm feeling the love. =)

Everyone's celebrating the month with hugs and kisses and chocolates and roses and what do I do? I'm going to Palawan! =)

With barely a month left with him, how can I not? He'll be leaving soon and I'm told I have to do what I can to spend my days with him. Yes, I'm pretty sure we'll meet again. In about five months, maybe, but the time can and will take its toll somehow. And something might change. Something will. So before anything goes awry, I've decided to do what I can to savor these last days with him. And if things go better than planned, well then, its a good hoorah for us, ei? =)

Let's Welcome 2012

New Year with the Castillo's =)

December31, 2011

Spent the day at SM. And yes, with the entire family in tow. =) It's always more fun with the family. =)
So to commemorate the end of 2011, we ate at a restaurant we've never tried before (again, another tradition..or more like a "thing" we have were we try out new places in town...or at least new places to us^^). This time, it's Krua Thai. =) Absolutely loved it there! Yummy food. Great ambiance. Great service. Oh, and a very awesome lighting for picture taking! Hah! Perfect end-of-the-year dinner, right? Right. =)